ugh

I think Im depressed. I dont like even talking about it because, really, what do I have to complain about. My life is very good..I have a great husband, great family, and all my other needs in life are met beyond my expectations. But I am in a funk that I cant seem to get out of and I guess I think it might do me some good to talk about it.

Part of it stems from the fact that I have melded my life with my daughter's, something I know is a danger and dont want to do, but have somehow managed to accomplish. Every day seems to blend into the next and I am in a perpetual state of toddlerhood. I have left nothing for me, and part of the problem is that I dont know what I want to do outside of this. I feel like I am constantly searching for that thing that will be mine--my special activity or love that will be fulfilling to me, but I really dont know what it is.

Part of it is also my personality. I have always been, on the personality charts, a melancholy. Sanguines and Cholerics make no sense to me, no, I would rather spend my time contemplating the meaning of life and my inability to live up to it. Indecisive to the point of not accomplishing anything is more my style, because if I accomplish it I should have done it differently, better, less expensively, or not at all. Not usually satisfied with most of what happens in my mind and in my life, I am constantly mulling over how things might have gone differently "if only."

Also, this has been one of the hardest years my husband and I have ever faced. Not because of anything going on wrong between us, but because of outside influences. As of December I will have been pregnant for over a year, counting the baby we miscarried. Not only has this made me uncomfortable, hormonal and all the other delightful things pregnancy does to a woman, but it just feels neverending. Having a miscarriage was very difficult, although I praise God that things went as well as the possibly could in such a crazy situation. But it was emotionally draining and definitely a rough experience. On the other side of the spectrum it has also been the most musically frustrating year for my husband.

November of 2003 he began producing tracks for an album that was due to be turned in the following June (04). Producing all of the music, recording his partner and guest mc's, doing the post-recording mix and finishing touches, collaborating on the artwork, spending countless days and nights with little or no sleep to meet the June deadline, he poured his heart and soul into what many consider Mars ILL's best work to date. Then just two weeks before the October 2004 release date, after hundreds of fliers, ads, and promotional pieces had gone out, EMI delays the release due to a sample clearance problem. As you can imagine the burden fell primarily on Nate because he is the producer, although Mars ILL together shares full responsibility for what was on the record. After spending over 4 months working thru legal red tape and clearing the questionable sample the album was slated for Feb 05, but was again pushed back due to lawyers inability to agree on certain issues. So July 19 2005 (yes just this past Tuesday) was the new, "official release of the long awaited Mars ILL album." But once again two weeks before the release, with yet again tons of ads and promotional pieces out, including the albums themselves, EMI drops the bomb and delays the album indefinitely. With no new reasons, no new discoveries, just a sudden attack of cold feet they pull the rug out from under us. And I think what bothers me the most about the whole thing is that to EMI, a huge umbrella organization with hundreds of labels and thousands of artists, it's just a delayed album. But to us, and especially to Nate and Greg, this is their heart and soul, you know? This is hours of work, days and nights of creating a small masterpiece that maybe only a few will enjoy, but that doesnt matter, because it is their creation. The first delay was heartwrenching, agonizing, and unbearable. The second was just plain frustrating. But this one, to me it's like how dare you. It's like that feeling of "enough already." Like the line in Shawshank Redemption that I love, "Get busy living or get busy dying." There's no reason it should have come to this at such late notice again, and to me it's just like, "ugh" in the stomach.

Dont get me wrong, there are so many blessings in all of this too. Things are looking really good with the new baby, due in December, and that is wonderful. And Mars ILL has many more albums to come, many more years of making music, and lots of things coming up in the next few months even. The one thing that sustains me thru this low time is that God has not disappeared on me, he is still right here, gettting us thru it all. Even though I feel defeated and down, God has not changed. He still hears my prayers, He still walks beside me, He still remains faithful to meet my needs and love me in spite of it. And He still brings me joy and reminds me that all of this is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things. His will is still being accomplished in my life, in this baby's life, in Nate's life, and in the minstry of Mars ILL. It's a long hike up the side of this mountain, but Im glad Im not walking it alone.