Coming home

Well, here I am, signing onto a microsoft computer (ugh) to fill you all in on where Ive been. I have made the journey across country with Luxie to my old stomping grounds, Eastern Washington. The trip actually went well, aside from Luxie waking at 3:45 this morning ready for action (yes, that is 3:45 am...and while that makes it 6:45 am Eastern time, nobody should be getting up in the black of night to start their day. It just isnt...civilized!)

What can I say? This journey is always bittersweet for me because life in Walla Walla Wa was all I knew the first 16-18 years of my life, but those years were filled with such joy and such pain that I am seriously caught off guard with memories and emotions each time I visit. I want so badly to share about the life I knew back here, but to some degree that would mean talking about things that, well, would probably hurt some of my family who read this blog, so I am slowly wrapping my brain about how to handle it. But suffice is to say, that some of my favorite memories--especially of summer, friends, growing from a girl to a woman, boys, love, life, and freedom are rekindled when I smell the dusty dry air that lives here. And some of my least favorite memories--of hurt, pain, betrayal, abandon, loss, and anger are more often than not brought right to the surface and I am forced to relive moments I thought I'd long forgotten.

It's strange, really, because although almost 15 years have passed since I moved away, started a new life, met an amazing man who for some reason decided to give me his love the rest of my life, I cant help feeling like that same teenager that grew up in this farming town with those same feelings and emotions running fast thru my veins. Except now I have this overwhelming sense of either peace or maturity, that reminds me I am not who I was--at least to a large degree. And although those moments shaped me and molded me into who I am today, I am not fully defined by them. The last 15 years have only gotten better, praise God, and I refuse to go back there, even if everything around me reminds me of the past.

Sweet Luxie. She is my escape. As tough as it has been traveling with her and dealing with the drama that only a two year old can toss your way, she is my constant yet subtle reminder that I can move on...I have to. I dont have my favorite man here with me to bring me back to reality and remind me of who I truly am, so she does, in her sweet ways.

Well, with all of that vagueness Im not sure anyone will have a clue what I am experiencing here. I guess you could say I am haunted by things of the past that have not yet been dealt with and may not ever be, but I am learning to be OK with that. I still love this town, regardless.