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Friday, August 19, 2005

Coming home

Well, here I am, signing onto a microsoft computer (ugh) to fill you all in on where Ive been. I have made the journey across country with Luxie to my old stomping grounds, Eastern Washington. The trip actually went well, aside from Luxie waking at 3:45 this morning ready for action (yes, that is 3:45 am...and while that makes it 6:45 am Eastern time, nobody should be getting up in the black of night to start their day. It just isnt...civilized!)

What can I say? This journey is always bittersweet for me because life in Walla Walla Wa was all I knew the first 16-18 years of my life, but those years were filled with such joy and such pain that I am seriously caught off guard with memories and emotions each time I visit. I want so badly to share about the life I knew back here, but to some degree that would mean talking about things that, well, would probably hurt some of my family who read this blog, so I am slowly wrapping my brain about how to handle it. But suffice is to say, that some of my favorite memories--especially of summer, friends, growing from a girl to a woman, boys, love, life, and freedom are rekindled when I smell the dusty dry air that lives here. And some of my least favorite memories--of hurt, pain, betrayal, abandon, loss, and anger are more often than not brought right to the surface and I am forced to relive moments I thought I'd long forgotten.

It's strange, really, because although almost 15 years have passed since I moved away, started a new life, met an amazing man who for some reason decided to give me his love the rest of my life, I cant help feeling like that same teenager that grew up in this farming town with those same feelings and emotions running fast thru my veins. Except now I have this overwhelming sense of either peace or maturity, that reminds me I am not who I was--at least to a large degree. And although those moments shaped me and molded me into who I am today, I am not fully defined by them. The last 15 years have only gotten better, praise God, and I refuse to go back there, even if everything around me reminds me of the past.

Sweet Luxie. She is my escape. As tough as it has been traveling with her and dealing with the drama that only a two year old can toss your way, she is my constant yet subtle reminder that I can move on...I have to. I dont have my favorite man here with me to bring me back to reality and remind me of who I truly am, so she does, in her sweet ways.

Well, with all of that vagueness Im not sure anyone will have a clue what I am experiencing here. I guess you could say I am haunted by things of the past that have not yet been dealt with and may not ever be, but I am learning to be OK with that. I still love this town, regardless.

6 Comments:

Blogger andrea said...

I know where you're coming from and can truly appreciate this struggle... I love that you wrote with such honesty.

thanks so much for sharing this with all of us.

hope your trip is a wonderful one (in so many ways) and I look forward to hearing all about it when you return.

7:03 PM

 
Blogger mommy zabs said...

Okay I visited Hopscotch b4 this and didn't realize you posted. Good to hear you are alive... and sorta well. I don't know what you went through, but I do know what it is like to visit a place that reminds you of pain. :( I'm sorry. You wrote so poetically though.
I will pray for you while you are there. That is quite a trip for a pregnnat mommy of a 2 year old.

9:25 PM

 
Blogger joy madison said...

thanks you for sharing! I feel some things like that when I go....Its mostly good to be home, but also the terrible truth of growing up is right there with it.

12:46 AM

 
Blogger molly said...

So much here that I can relate too, yet too much to simply "comment" on. I'm glad you shared these thoughts. "Home" is filled with so much emotion for me as well.
molly

2:15 PM

 
Anonymous pantherpaw said...

Enjoyed reading this and so happy for you, Luxie, and Nate and your upcoming girl! God is so good to all of us. The past haunts all of us to some degree, and it is so great to look to the Lord and what He has in store for us. I catch myself reflecting back and how I could have handled many situations in a 1000 different ways... God bless you for being such a great mother to Luxie!

8:25 PM

 
Blogger lulu said...

thanks so much for you kind words, all of you! it really meant alot to me those first few days to have some encouragement. I really appreciate it.

10:05 PM

 

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