and this is why he died

because of me. how rotton i can be sometimes. horrible really. utterly selfish and all about me. to the point where i honestly loathe myself and my behavior. and to the point where i go beyond the feeling to just plain not feeling at all. so many things i want to do right. so many things i want to make right. to be understood. to be loved. to feel love. to not make so many mistakes. to really be right. to not feel so different and so strange. so alone. to be justified in my actions. these are why i do the awful things. sometimes i cant bare it all. this life is so hard. i just cant seem to get it right. and i just want to go to sleep and forget about it all.

and i dont think a lot of people get it really. the whole thing about why he died. about why i would choose to believe such a thing. why i must believe such a thing. why i know such a thing can be true. that all this junk, this evil yuck inside me that i spend so much of my life battling has already been dealt with. that somehow the wrongs have been made right and i am not seen as the yuck ive manifested. that i am loved. that i am understood. that i am not alone. and that i can go to sleep and let it all go. this is why he died. i cannot make myself be who i want to be. i cannot make others understand. i cannot get it right. but he can. do i really believe this? can i really believe this? yes. i do. i must. i have no other choice. i have seen with my own eyes. i need to know i am forgiven. i need to know i am loved. i need to know i am understood. and i do know, now.

there are too many things that have happened. too many things i cannot forget. too many things he has shown me. so why do i still go there? why must i still be so rotton? why must i still resort to such horrible measures to feel loved? the battle is constantly within me and i suppose it always will be. and i know i will never win on my own. i need his help. i cannot do it alone. and so i believe. too much evidence exists not to. evidence in my own life. evidence in the lives of others.

thank you for not seeing me as the rotton person i often choose to be. thank you for promising to bare my burdens for me. thank you for giving up your life so that i can come to you in these times, boldly, and ask for help. thank you for caring about me, even in my ugly yuck of a mess. thank you for promising never to leave. thank you, Jesus. i do believe.