and so it goes
Im not quite sure how to say this, not sure what you are supposed to do in this kind of situation, but after three years and many many words I have decided to bring this blog to a close. It's something Ive been considering for a week or two now, and I am really feeling good about it. I have enjoyed writing and mapping out my journey thru parenthood and life in general, but Im not feeling passionate about it the way I did in the beginning. Maybe it's because Ive changed as a person, or maybe it's because I've got so many other things going on now that I just cant find the time to dedicate to it like I used to. Either way, I think it's time to hang it up.
One thing Ive always wanted to write about but havent gotten around to is what Ive decided to end with. It's something Ive never been very vocal about and it's a shame because it is such a big part of me. Ive always worried way too much about what people think, about how they perceive me and not wanted to ruffle any feathers or make others feel uncomfortable. I tend to go out of my way to make sure everyone is comfortable and taken care of. This is more with people I casually know than family and close friends. And of course, people who grew up with me would probably disagree with this, but then, they knew me before my life changed.
I carried a lot of baggage with me during my youth. I made a lot of mistakes, did things I still regret to this day. A lot of stuff that happened made me very angry and I carried that anger with me. I didnt care about myself or anyone else, I just wanted to feel better. And at about the age of 18 my world around me came crashing down, my family life was in pieces, I had no where to turn. The only thing to do was leave.
So I left, and oddly enough went to work in the mountains at a church camp I had attended with some friends in junior high. It was as far away from my real life as I could get with just a car and my clothes. No one knew me, no one there to judge me, it was the perfect way to start over. I signed on to work one week, then stayed on for another, and another, until 6 months had passed. And in the course of those six months I was saved. Saved from the person I was, saved from the road I was on, saved from the way things might have been. Like a boulder had been dropped in my path I was forced to take a different road, and this road has eventually led me to the place I am today.
A lot of people shrug their shoulders at the thought of God and Jesus and all that religious stuff, and I understand because I did too for a long time. I was in and out of church growing up but never took it seriously and didnt have an example in my home of what a God fearing family should be. But when I found myself with nothing, no one, no idea what to do, I found the possibility of God worth considering. And the more I examined my own life and learned what God wanted my life to be, the more I wanted to know. Very little in my life during junior high and high school had given me any confidence of being worthy of love, worth sticking around for, worth taking care of. But what I was hearing about God and His love for me was different. I started reading the Bible to learn more about Him.
It was during that time that I decided to live my life according to God's Word. I decided to believe what was written about me in the Bible. I decided to accept the truth, that I had been living for myself, trying to find happiness somewhere, anywhere, and instead was getting nowhere. I needed help, and who better to ask than God himself. I had always believed in God, but hadnt taken Him seriously. At that moment in time I decided to. I gave my life to Jesus Christ to see where the road would lead next. That was 1992.
This journey in faith has not been an easy one. My life was not suddenly changed for the better, although I made some very wise decisions to get out of old situations that improved things dramatically. I decided I needed to learn a lot more about my God and moved across the country to go to Bible College. That's where I met Nate and his family, who were obviously placed directly in my path by the Lord to show me a new example of what family means. I will forever be grateful to them for accepting me into their home and sticking by me thru many ups and downs over those early years. I have since seen my mom saved and remarried to a good Christian man, and have watched my dad return to the church he took me to as a kid. These relationships are healing and I believe that is a gift from God.
But it wasnt until this year that I was finally meant to deal with all the anger and bitterness Ive carried around for 20 years. This year, in fact this summer, I've finally been able to begin to let go. It has been a long work of me trying to do it on my own, and finally realizing I just plain couldnt. God has been faithful to help me find the healing Ive been searching for all this time, and I am beginning to experience a real sense of freedom from the person I was, the life I had before, and the baggage Ive carried for so long. Like I said, this journey has not been an easy one, but how quickly can a person become new?
So Im a Christian. Something that is hard for me to say, not because I doubt what I believe, but because it isnt comfortable for everyone I know. Im not a political person or an activist by any means, I am simply a person whose life has been changed by Jesus Christ. I am a person desperately in need of a Savior who is learning to see life in a new way. I hope that you too can someday experience the kind of love I have. It has changed my life.
That's it folks. My final words. I will surely miss these times at the computer and will maybe even one day start a new blog. Im kind of tearing up here...ha! Who'd have thought? Please leave a comment or a send off, I'd love to hear from you. God bless and so long!!!