...sugar and spice and everything nice...

Sunday, August 26, 2007

and so it goes

Im not quite sure how to say this, not sure what you are supposed to do in this kind of situation, but after three years and many many words I have decided to bring this blog to a close. It's something Ive been considering for a week or two now, and I am really feeling good about it. I have enjoyed writing and mapping out my journey thru parenthood and life in general, but Im not feeling passionate about it the way I did in the beginning. Maybe it's because Ive changed as a person, or maybe it's because I've got so many other things going on now that I just cant find the time to dedicate to it like I used to. Either way, I think it's time to hang it up.

One thing Ive always wanted to write about but havent gotten around to is what Ive decided to end with. It's something Ive never been very vocal about and it's a shame because it is such a big part of me. Ive always worried way too much about what people think, about how they perceive me and not wanted to ruffle any feathers or make others feel uncomfortable. I tend to go out of my way to make sure everyone is comfortable and taken care of. This is more with people I casually know than family and close friends. And of course, people who grew up with me would probably disagree with this, but then, they knew me before my life changed.

I carried a lot of baggage with me during my youth. I made a lot of mistakes, did things I still regret to this day. A lot of stuff that happened made me very angry and I carried that anger with me. I didnt care about myself or anyone else, I just wanted to feel better. And at about the age of 18 my world around me came crashing down, my family life was in pieces, I had no where to turn. The only thing to do was leave.

So I left, and oddly enough went to work in the mountains at a church camp I had attended with some friends in junior high. It was as far away from my real life as I could get with just a car and my clothes. No one knew me, no one there to judge me, it was the perfect way to start over. I signed on to work one week, then stayed on for another, and another, until 6 months had passed. And in the course of those six months I was saved. Saved from the person I was, saved from the road I was on, saved from the way things might have been. Like a boulder had been dropped in my path I was forced to take a different road, and this road has eventually led me to the place I am today.

A lot of people shrug their shoulders at the thought of God and Jesus and all that religious stuff, and I understand because I did too for a long time. I was in and out of church growing up but never took it seriously and didnt have an example in my home of what a God fearing family should be. But when I found myself with nothing, no one, no idea what to do, I found the possibility of God worth considering. And the more I examined my own life and learned what God wanted my life to be, the more I wanted to know. Very little in my life during junior high and high school had given me any confidence of being worthy of love, worth sticking around for, worth taking care of. But what I was hearing about God and His love for me was different. I started reading the Bible to learn more about Him.

It was during that time that I decided to live my life according to God's Word. I decided to believe what was written about me in the Bible. I decided to accept the truth, that I had been living for myself, trying to find happiness somewhere, anywhere, and instead was getting nowhere. I needed help, and who better to ask than God himself. I had always believed in God, but hadnt taken Him seriously. At that moment in time I decided to. I gave my life to Jesus Christ to see where the road would lead next. That was 1992.

This journey in faith has not been an easy one. My life was not suddenly changed for the better, although I made some very wise decisions to get out of old situations that improved things dramatically. I decided I needed to learn a lot more about my God and moved across the country to go to Bible College. That's where I met Nate and his family, who were obviously placed directly in my path by the Lord to show me a new example of what family means. I will forever be grateful to them for accepting me into their home and sticking by me thru many ups and downs over those early years. I have since seen my mom saved and remarried to a good Christian man, and have watched my dad return to the church he took me to as a kid. These relationships are healing and I believe that is a gift from God.

But it wasnt until this year that I was finally meant to deal with all the anger and bitterness Ive carried around for 20 years. This year, in fact this summer, I've finally been able to begin to let go. It has been a long work of me trying to do it on my own, and finally realizing I just plain couldnt. God has been faithful to help me find the healing Ive been searching for all this time, and I am beginning to experience a real sense of freedom from the person I was, the life I had before, and the baggage Ive carried for so long. Like I said, this journey has not been an easy one, but how quickly can a person become new?

So Im a Christian. Something that is hard for me to say, not because I doubt what I believe, but because it isnt comfortable for everyone I know. Im not a political person or an activist by any means, I am simply a person whose life has been changed by Jesus Christ. I am a person desperately in need of a Savior who is learning to see life in a new way. I hope that you too can someday experience the kind of love I have. It has changed my life.

That's it folks. My final words. I will surely miss these times at the computer and will maybe even one day start a new blog. Im kind of tearing up here...ha! Who'd have thought? Please leave a comment or a send off, I'd love to hear from you. God bless and so long!!!


Blogger Joy Madison said...

the simple truth of the gospel is that while we were wandering Christ found us. I was lost and now I'm found!! It's not political, its truth and life! I'll miss reading about your life!!! PLEASE let me know if you start updating somewhere else, facebook, my space, anywhere!!! Thanks for the ride...you were one of my FIRST blogs I read besides my husbands and you introduced me to ward and andrea!!! You are one cool chick!!! Adios (go with god!)

7:39 PM

Blogger meridith said...

it is so beautiful to read about your journey to salvation and the power of God's love in your life. i will sincerely miss reading your words! i am with joy please let me know if you start up again or somewhere else. even though we don't know each other that well i feel you are a friend and i don't want to lose touch! i've enjoyed reading all this years!

8:36 PM

Blogger Rant and Raves said...

That was beautiful and reading about your childhood I can relate to you. Please e-mail me so we can keep in touch. I love reading your blogs and it makes me cry to think this is your last one. Thanks for all that you have written.

Take care,
Angie Gallo-Limesand

12:01 AM

Blogger andrea said...

oh kendra. I don't know where to start. you were the one who introduced me to blogging! I remember having this conversation with you where you tried to explain to me what exactly a blog was... and I thought it was so great, what you were doing. and brave too. I am sad to see you end this, especially since we now live so many miles apart and I count on the blog to keep up (especially since you've been posting everyday)... but I totally, totally understand. I know I will someday feel the need to do the same.

oh, I will miss lulu's world!

more importantly, I am inspired by your words, by your honesty. this is so beautifully written. I have not been so open in sharing my faith but I know it will eventually come pouring out of me. and I can only hope it will be half as beautiful as what you have written here.

9:22 PM

Blogger Ward Jenkins said...

Oh no! Well, I can't say that I don't know how you feel on this one. I've often thought about throwing in the towel on my own blog. The constant in the back of my mind to post, post, post really gets to me sometimes.

Did you know that you were one of my inspirations to start mine?

Here's to a blog-free future, girl! Best of luck to you. Enjoy your girls. And Nate, too!

(It was so good to see you guys here. Can't wait to work out a time to come back home later on this year.)

12:50 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am (was) a faithful reader of your blog, though not a faithful poster, but I wanted to post today to tell you I will miss reading your blog.

Yours is (was) one of the few blogs I make sure to check out at least weekly when I'm on the net.

I really enjoyed everything you had to say, and I hope you find your way back to the blogging world, if ever the time is right.

Bye for now.


8:07 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My 16 yr old niece Brittney got the news today that her boyfriend, Jake killed himself. Could you please pray fro their families. I am s worried that she is blaming herself for his death.
I know that you are a Christian and that's why I would like you to please pray for them.

Thank you very much and take care,
Angie Gallo-Limesand

4:43 AM

Blogger olympiaway said...

i'm sorry to see you go. i was just getting to know your blog, but it sounds like you've really been grappling with this decision for a while and it's for the best. take care of you and yours.

1:45 PM

Blogger Glamorous Jo said...

Kendra! Say it isn't so!! Although I understand. I will miss reading your words and seeing photos of your gorgeous girls. Please keep me in the loop if you ever start something new. And - thank you for your words on this post. Seems to be a running trend that those of us who share the same faith are often inclined to keep it private. Thanks for letting it shine. I will miss you.

9:06 AM

Blogger mommy zabs said...

WHAT O NO I"M SO OUT OF IT! I had no idea you stopped this. I do appreciate hearing your testimony though. I'm so glad you have another project in the works. I miss reading everyone more regularly i have to find a way to do it more again!

4:40 PM

Blogger we are... said...

hello friends! ive got a new site called musicmamas.com. check it out!

7:19 AM

Blogger lulu said...

wait, the wrong name came up. i have a new webstite called musicmamas.com!

7:24 AM

Blogger The Nicholsons said...

But I only just found you! Just my luck. Looking for inspiration, I stumbled across this blog and am moved beyond words. Well, at least I found you, even if just for your final post.

It is clear from these responses that you have touched many people in amazing ways. I am a new blogger, and reading your testimony, as powerful and honest as it was, couldn't have been better timing for me. It feels strange that I only found you now.

I came looking to be inspired. I have been inspired. I thank you, and wish you continued happiness.

11:39 PM


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