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Monday, December 20, 2004

Here's what happened

I dont want to gross anyone out, but for my own peace of mind I need to write this down so I can get on with things. At this point i am feeling much better, and so is Nate. We have accepted things and are moving forward for the most part. But I guess putting it all in words allows me a type of closure so here goes.

Remember the post about Thanksgiving in which I said for #1 "If all goes well I will tell you about this one later"? Well, at Thanksgiving we announced to the family that we were expecting. At that point I was about 6 weeks pregnant, or so I thought. In retrospect we should have waited until our first doctor appointment, but we had waited so long with our first child that this time we wanted to be spontaneous and celebrate with the family. My first appointment was scheduled for the 8th of December, and we promised to fill everyone in on what we learned.

It was quite a fiasco that day. We decided to bring our daughter to the appointment to see the "baby" (she really had no clue what was going on,) and she got real antsy real quick, reminding us why parents should never take their toddlers to important meetings. The doctor did the ultra sound and asked me again how far along I believed I should be. Something wasnt adding up. The baby appeared to be growing a week behind what it should be. My doctor set my baby at 5.4 weeks, rather than 7 weeks, told me it was nothing to be alarmed about but definitely something to watch, and scheduled me an appointment for the following week to check on things. At 5 weeks it is impossible to detect much of what is going on, but at 6-7 weeks there should be a heartbeat and more can be determined. So we went home a little disconcerted, but patiently waiting for that next appointment the following Friday.

Well unfortunately Tuesday evening before the second appointment I started bleeding just a little, which is somewhat common (about 30% of all pregnancies have some sort of bleeding and go on to full term babies.) Wednesday morning I awakened and immediately believed i was having a miscarriage. The doctor told me to come right in, they would do an ultra sound. I set off on my own (we couldnt bring our daughter along this time) and the whole 40 minute drive there assumed the worse. I was ok, but trying to accept what might be happening. I arrived and checked in, went to take a seat, and as I looked around the room a strange reality hit me. I was sitting in a room full of pregnant ladies in all shapes and sizes, and the fate of my baby was yet to be determined. i saw a couple to my right looking fondly at the ultra sound photos they had just gotten of their precious little one. And as they glanced up at me and smiled, I was struck with the notion that that might have been me just two year before. It's so easy to assume everyone there is pregnant and happy. Maybe one of the women I'd sat next to not so long ago had been wondering the fate of her child.

When I was called in and the ultra sound began I stared up at the screen and caught my first real look at our little guy. And there was a heartbeat! The technician was very encouraged seeing the heartbeat and told me that things looked good, although the baby was still growing one week behind pace! I was crying and desperate to talk to my husband, but the "no cell phones" signs scattered around the office had made it clear I wouldnt be able to call him until after the appointment. They called in my doctor and we spoke for just a moment. He told me the heartbeat was a very good sign, but to realize that I had two big question marks that we needed to get answers to before things were in the clear--the bleeding, and the slow growth. I needed to go back in the following week at 7 weeks, at which time a strong heartbeat and steady growth would give me a less than 5% chance of miscarriage.

That was Wednesday. By the following Wednesday (the 15th) I knew something was wrong. My sickness had steadily decreased since the appointment, and my stomach was also changing. While just a few days before I had had trouble bending over, i had begun to experience the softening of the uterus, and could easily do things I couldnt do a few days prior. I had a huge breakdown and told my husband that i feared the worst. However I was still having aversions to foods, which was confusing me. He begged me to hang in there until Friday and let the doctor tell exactly where things stood.

Well, on Friday we learned the baby was gone. He had probably passed that same day the bleeding started, and we had caught his last moments at the previous ultrasound. I think the absolutely most difficult part of the entire saga is that the baby still has not "left me." I am still walking around with the baby that will not be. Of course they give you the option waiting to have a full miscarriage, or having a DnC (cant tell you what it stands for.) The earliest I could get in was tomorrow, Tuesday. So I could sure use some prayers.

But to be clear, the hardest part has passed. We are at peace with things, aside from the final step. Once that has happened i will feel much better about moving on. I am very scared about the procedure, but it has to happen so we just have to do it. Anyhoo, sorry about the not so fun post, but I guess if Im gonna write about my life, it would be wrong not to include something so significant.


Blogger joy madison said...

I don't know how much you've read on our blogs, but a year ago May 15th we lost our baby at 20 weeks 3 days. It was a pretty terrible experience, but God is good, and things have gotten better and better. There is nothing really I can say to you, but trust in him. I have been there, and He IS there with you! Jon and I will be praying for you and Nate.

6:52 PM

Blogger lulu said...

joy, i cannot imagine what that must have been like. it is encouraging to me to know that you have had two beautiful kids, and now have one due any day...hopefully i will have another too. thanks so much for your words.

8:32 PM

Blogger Ward Jenkins said...

K, you know that we are with you during this time, and that we are thinking and praying for you guys. It's interesting to see how many people out there went through a miscarriage once you yourself go through one. It was eye-opening for us back in 1998, needless to say. It was the most turbulent time for Andrea and I, but once we got past that hump, it brought us more closer to each other than ever before. Best of love to you all.

2:27 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

andrea, here. I know that we have already talked in length about this but I just want to say again how truly sorry I am... I know how hard it has been on you and nate and I love you both so much... losing our baby was by far one of the most difficult experiences ward and I have had to endure together, though it intensely strengthened both our relationship and desire to have a family. six years later, we are blessed with ava and ezra and I am still overwhelmed by the value, the absolute vulnerability, the miraculousness of being able to bring a life into this world. please know that you are in our prayers... whatever you need- please do not hesitate to ask. I love what nate said last friday- that baby 'j' and baby 'c' are probably playing together in heaven...

1:58 PM

Blogger jon said...

i hadn't checked the blog in a few days, then joy mentioned this to me a few days ago--i am so sorry. not much i can say here.

we're praying for you guys.


12:30 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Kendra,
Kristen here. I just jumped on to your blog after having read your latest newsletter. I'm so, so, sorry. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes relating to your story and that horrible feeling of sitting in a waiting room full of pregnant women as you "await your fate", and the raw emotions of carrying a baby that is no longer living. Augh! My heart breaks for you.

I found a lot of solace in a blog called "alittlepregnant.com", a very great and witty writer who has been through two miscarriage. She describes that strange feeling of still being pregnant, but not really. It's something so painful that so few people understand. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I'm thinking about you . . .

5:38 PM


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