Self Portrait Tuesday 9.13

It was day two, March 6 to be exact. She was born on a Wednesday night at 11:45pm. I had gone in Tuesday evening around 5pm to be induced, completely naive as to what the next 48 hours would hold. After a worthless night of sleep the nurse awakened me at 6am Wednesday morning to start the pitosin, and by 10:30am I had reached about 3cm dialated. By 2pm I was only 5cm, and from about 5pm to 10pm I was stuck at 7cm, not budging. The doctor explained my options to me, and let me know that "the baby" (we waited to find out if she was a boy or girl) was showing some signs of stress. At 10:30pm we agreed to a c-section.

This photo was taken the next morning. I say I was completely naive going into it because although I knew the cold, hard facts, I had no idea what a rollercoaster of feelings and emotions I was in for. From wide-eyed optimism to overwhelming exhaustion; unfathomable fear to sleep deprived delirium; overwhelming responsibility to untangible love. I felt like I'd been run over by a truck, been turned inside-out, been pulled out of one dimension and plopped down into a whole new life in the course of a day. It was as if some weird scales had been ripped off my eyes and the world was brand new. Life as I'd known it would never again be the same.

But at the same time, the love I felt for this little being that had just emerged from my body was inexplicable. I had witnessed a miracle first hand, and been given full responsibility of it. The memory of it all still overwhelms me.