Lately

time is flying by at a rapid pace. Here's what ive been up to:

1. putting the orders together for marsill.com's store. this is always my job, but with ProPain coming out a week from yesterday, and Nate's No Fame cd also newly for sale, the orders are piling up. And everything is due to be shipped before May 2nd. this is wonderful, and we are very excited about it all (story on it next week) but it is keeping me very busy.

2. I have two kids, one that requires feedings every 3-4 hours, and the other that requires attention every 3-4 minutes.

3. we are participating in "the mother of all yard sales" at Andrea's house this weekend. Havent spoken to her about it since last weekend and i assume that is because we are both knee deep in kids, regular work, extra work, yard sale work, and kids. Did i say kids?

4. I have not had a full night of sleep for about a week. I realize now that a good night of sleep is not something I should expect, but something that I should cherish. Oh how I long for a full night of sleep!

5. other big time drama that i will surely write about some other day, but not today. too soon to bare it all until the answers are clear and no questions remain.

6. i eat often which also seems to cause time to fly. it seems like im always hungry, or maybe i just eat when nothing else is going on. anyway, time flies between my meals and my "minimeals".

7. im not sure what to put here but i commited to list ten things and by golly im gonna list ten!

8. each month i send out the newsletter for nate's ministry, so that is another thing i spent last night finishing. try typing a newsletter on a computer screen that continually goes black on you and then you have to adjust it way back or way forward to get it to come back on again, only to barely touch it and watch it turn black again. this is the computer i have been complaining about for weeks. but it is mine and i dont know where everything is on the other one. and he's always using it, and...and...and well, im stubborn.

9. i think the baby is teething or incredibly irritable. i know she is only 4 months, but luxie cut her first tooth at 5 months so we shall see. either way, her nose is running like crazy! im using the bulb syringe like a junkie. (does that make sense...?)

10. and im off, to conquer the laundry and any other task that stands in my way of a good night of sleep. wish me luck!

the hand

This is the hand. The hand that helped her bounce on the moonwalk, for what seemed like hours, with her favorite cousin Ava. The hand that brought to her mouth an entire bag of puffy cheetos and not much else for lunch. The hand that searched the tall grass and bushes for the lovely plastic eggs containing prizes and chocolaty treats. The hand that came across something odd in the grass. The hand that lifted the dead baby bird to mommy in the middle of the Easter egg hunt. The hand that mommy grabbed onto quickly while hysterically screaming "DROP IT! DROP IT! DROP IT!" The hand that Aunt Andrea and mommy washed frantically with an antibacterial wipe. The hand that later unwrapped the sweet chocolaty treats and led them to her mouth (after mommy was certain the hand was absolutely free of all dead baby bird germs). The hand that lay limp over the edge of her carseat, dangling from her passed out body as we drove away from the festivities.

Top 5

Here are my Top 5 Signs Spring is Here in the South:

5. I found a tick on my shirt a few days ago, probably came from the knee high grass we had growing in our back yard.

4. Im killing ants around the house like it's nobody's business. In the past the ants are usually the little sugar ants, but this year we are battling the carpenter/army ants. They are so big Ive got to be careful or they might run off with the baby.

3. It's April and Luxie spent yesterday running thru the sprinkler in 87 degree weather while kids in the northwest bundled up due to snow.

2. Nate has begun calling me "white arms" again (this is a seasonal thing that pertains to me breaking out my t-shirts in early spring.)

1. Im suddenly breaking a sweat walking from the house to the car.


HAPPY SPRING EVERYBODY!

and this is why he died

because of me. how rotton i can be sometimes. horrible really. utterly selfish and all about me. to the point where i honestly loathe myself and my behavior. and to the point where i go beyond the feeling to just plain not feeling at all. so many things i want to do right. so many things i want to make right. to be understood. to be loved. to feel love. to not make so many mistakes. to really be right. to not feel so different and so strange. so alone. to be justified in my actions. these are why i do the awful things. sometimes i cant bare it all. this life is so hard. i just cant seem to get it right. and i just want to go to sleep and forget about it all.

and i dont think a lot of people get it really. the whole thing about why he died. about why i would choose to believe such a thing. why i must believe such a thing. why i know such a thing can be true. that all this junk, this evil yuck inside me that i spend so much of my life battling has already been dealt with. that somehow the wrongs have been made right and i am not seen as the yuck ive manifested. that i am loved. that i am understood. that i am not alone. and that i can go to sleep and let it all go. this is why he died. i cannot make myself be who i want to be. i cannot make others understand. i cannot get it right. but he can. do i really believe this? can i really believe this? yes. i do. i must. i have no other choice. i have seen with my own eyes. i need to know i am forgiven. i need to know i am loved. i need to know i am understood. and i do know, now.

there are too many things that have happened. too many things i cannot forget. too many things he has shown me. so why do i still go there? why must i still be so rotton? why must i still resort to such horrible measures to feel loved? the battle is constantly within me and i suppose it always will be. and i know i will never win on my own. i need his help. i cannot do it alone. and so i believe. too much evidence exists not to. evidence in my own life. evidence in the lives of others.

thank you for not seeing me as the rotton person i often choose to be. thank you for promising to bare my burdens for me. thank you for giving up your life so that i can come to you in these times, boldly, and ask for help. thank you for caring about me, even in my ugly yuck of a mess. thank you for promising never to leave. thank you, Jesus. i do believe.

pics

my computer was up and running for a few moments again today, so i quickly posted these photos from last Saturday. we had an easter egg hunt in our backyard for the cousins.


me with Zaine (16w) Lux (3) and cousin Ava (5)


Luxie Lu with her eggs


cute baby Zaine

have i.....

told you yet that this computer thing is killing me???? I am going crazy. today is Self Portrait Tuesday and I cannot access any of my photos. And the theme this month is "fools" because it is April. So it is a fun month to post photos of yourself. So I am very disappointed!


Today would have been the perfect day to get a bunch of photos posted. Im afraid to tell you why....because....if I say it I know it will go away....this perfect moment. You see, on Tuesdays after Bible Study I bring Luxie's buddy Gabe home with me until around 4pm for a playdate. And today, for the first time in history, they are alllllllllll sleeping! Right now as i type this I have accomplished getting three kids to sleep simultaniously (yes, i have probably incorrectly spelled it but i am so freaking excited i am not going to figure out how to spell it correctly. just go with it...) Luxie hasnt napped in at least a month, although she goes into her room for "rest time" (this is more for mommy's rest than her own) each day for about an hour, but she and zaine almost never rest at the same time. And who would have thought that today of all days, a day when Gabe is here, they would all sleep! And I am sitting here doing what.....blogging. I could be doing one of ten thousand other things i need to do but instead i run to my computer (after saying a quick prayer of "i dont know how you do the things you do but i love how you do it" to God) and start typing. so here i am. without any children vying for my attention. and with a husband doing something else other than using his computer. and i am feeling so alive!

i think i may go get the mail.. outside....alone....and maybe i will take my time doing it....i will enjoy the sun....and be very quiet....and even eat a popsicle on the way (because you know you cant ever eat a popsicle with kids around or everybody has to have a popsicle). and maybe i will even go talk to my husband in his studio....alone....without having a child interrupt me....and maybe i can even lay right here...on the couch....and close my eyes for just a minute....and have a little rest time of my own...

oh the possibilities...

hmmm

so sorry it has been a long time since ive written anything substantial. this computer breakdown is killing me! having to use nate's computer means waiting until he is done with it and then i have to actually have time to sit down and use it!

anyway, here's what ive been up to:


last weekend i decided at the last minute to head to nashville with nate to meet a few of my blogging friends and it was GREAT! it was like getting together with old friends i hadnt seen for a while! that is the amazing thing about the internet. it wasnt uncomfortable or odd at all to be sitting down to eat with a group of people i had never met! because we already new so much about eachother's lives it was like we'd known eachother for a long time. it was so much fun! i wish we had had longer to chat, because it seemed to go so quickly. but girls, I HAD A BLAST! (if i ever get the photos uploaded i will post them.) thanks so much for a wonderful time aj, meridith, mommy zabs, glam jo, and andrea. i wish i had a group of girlfriends like you at my side here in Atlanta!


THINGS I LOVE THURSDAY: I love eating.


Another crazy quote from Luxie Lu herself, "It's raining out here...this is no place for a Barbie" (while climbing back inside in her Barbie playhouse.


i actually shed a tear today over a song played on Luxie's new favorite cartoon, "The Wonder Pets." An inchworm and a caterpillar were best buds then the caterpillar had to climb into her cocoon to become a butterfly. The Wonder Pets arrived on the scene to explain to the inchworm what was happening, and then they waited. Finally the butterfly emerged and they sang a little song together. A very soft, gentle, sad song about all the things they used to do together and could no longer do. They couldnt eat leaves together anymore, couldnt crawl thru the mud together anymore, and then in the end the butterfly offers to take the inchworm for a ride on her wings and cant get off the ground with him because they are too heavy together. the song was so sweet i actually teared up. In the end the Wonder Pets put them both in their fly-boat and the inchworm road on the Butterfly's wings back down to the ground. It doesnt get any better than that, folks.


I got new flipflops today (or "thongs" if you like to go old skool). Looks like i wont have to worry about taping the toe of my old pair. I love my old ones, they are wooden and have little peach colored straps, so when i banged the toe into some cement stairs last summer and chipped off a big piece of wood, i was devastated and resorted to taping. so long old friends.


until next time i get this computer in my hands.....lu

Quick Quote of the Week

"Do my uhhh, if I had wings right where they'd be..." ~my husband as Im scratching his back.

hi

well, my computer is on the fritz, so i have been unable to post until now. im borrowing nate's computer (sharing computers stinks!) nothing of mine is on here. all the photos i have saved for special posts, bookmarks to favorite sites. it stinks. but i plan to get back up and running asap.

for now, i am off. but i will be back real soon!