The Final Countdown...

...and other random thoughts...

*Tomorrow marks officially two weeks until "D-Day" (delivery day). This is quite overwhelming when I really break it down. Maybe because I actually know the date, maybe because I have a relatively full schedule until then, and maybe--most likely--because this time I know what I am in for. Here's my schedule for the next two weeks:
-Saturday, Baby Shower
-Sunday, Christmas Tree Lighting
-Tuesday, last doctor appointment
-Saturday, Christmas Tea at church
-Saturday nite, Christmas party (maybe)
-Sunday, sister-in-laws birthday
-Monday, mom's anniversary
-Tuesday, mom arrives
-Wednesday, BIRTHDAY and BIRTH DAY

all of this along with still needing to:
-finish Christmas preparations
-get crib mattress and various baby supplies
-clean
-pack
-spend time alone and with Nate and with Luxie before baby comes

I am feeling the heat but really trying to enjoy these last days of normalcy.


**I made meatloaf tonight, for the first time ever. This may not be a big deal to most of you, but it is a landmark moment in our family! I just dont cook very well. I think the biggest reason is because I dont really enjoy it, but I also just dont have a big interest in food quality in general, so I dont like to spend a lot of time thinking about it. I like to eat good food, but I also eat a lot of boring food and dont mind it. My husband is a great cook, and enjoys quality food, so there is some pressure to deliver in the kitchen. But he has been very patient with me (considering we have been married over 8 years and I am just now coming around to cooking meals..) and I am really trying to gain more interest in it. So I made meatloaf! And it is surprisingly easy! And he liked it a lot! (That could be because we had chicken strips and fries last night...but I'll take it!)


***I am so disappointed in Nick and Jessica splitting. I know this is not a big surprise because they are just another Hollywood couple, but it just bothers me how Hollywood couples treat marriage like some sort of trial period in life that might or might not be given a lot of effort. I know I have no idea what happened in their relationship, but it just seems like everyone is so quick to move on (i.e. Brad and Jen.) Can someone in Hollywood actually make a commitment and stick with it? Without joining a cult, marrying because they are pregnant, or just living together? I want to see a few of these people actually marry and stay married..especially those who claim to represent Christ. Marriage is hard, and I imagine even harder when people are constantly speculating that you are having trouble and heading for divorce. But I cant help feeling like the point is being missed in most of these marriages. You just have to buck up and stick with it, thru the irritating, frustrating, difficult, and trying times, just like you have to with your kids, with your family, with yourself!


****I experienced false labor the other night for about 3 hours, and wow, what an experience! Luxie never even hinted she was ready to come. I had Braxton-Hicks contractions all the time, but she ended up being a week overdue and then I was induced, had an epidural and a c-section, so I never really experienced natural contractions. They were so different than the Braxton-Hicks contractions I have every day! These were very low and actually made my back and right leg hurt terribly. But I really found the experience rewarding in the end--as crazy as that seems! For the first time I got to feel what it might be like to deliver regularly, and I also found that I could handle the pain. I ended the experience feeling like I could take even more (not a lot more, mind you!) But I felt like I had a small glimpse into a world I may never fully grasp because I keep having to have c-sections. So I felt a little blessed by the whole thing!


*****I am excited to say I have almost completed my Christmas shopping! Only two more people to buy for and I am done! Not that gifts are my big focus for the holiday, but of course I want to be sure to give to those who are in my family, and I wanted to be done with it before the baby comes. So now I am feeling a great relief in crossing yet another thing off of my list before I head into the hospital! Just a few more lights and decorations to get up and Christmas prep is complete! Hurray!

Have a great day!

Quote of the Week

"The chief drawback to bitterness is that the feast you are wolfing down is yourself." ~Frederick Buechner

I really love this quote because I have some things in my life I just cant seem to get over, and I sometimes find myself sinking into the deeper parts of my anger or bitterness and enjoying a little feast of "whys?" and "shouldnt haves." When I heard this quote it really spoke to me about once again learning to let go.

Give Thanks

Nate, Luxie and I early 2004


MY THANKS 2005
I am so thankful for this family. My amazing, wonderful husband who loves me in spite of all my flaws (and there are many...) and my sweet baby girl who is no longer a baby but a beautiful growing girl who is smart as a whip and very, very funny. I cannot imagine my life without them. Thank you, God.

I am so thankful for this new little girl kicking and poking at me daily, ready to burst forth from the womb and begin her life as a part of this family. What a miracle. I cant wait to see just who she is.

I thank God for our parents and siblings. All the time, money, sacrifice and love our parents invested in our lives to help us become the grown ups : ) we are today. Many lessons were learned along the way, some very tough, but they made us who we are and will shape who we become. And Nate's siblings, well, they have become like my own. Andrea, Ward, Ava, and Ezra are like blood to me, and I enjoy the times we spend so much! And Von, although we dont get to see him much, he's just what a younger brother ought to be. I miss the times we shared before kids--especially around the holidays, when we would stay up til the wee hours of the morning laughing hysterically, watching movies and playing board games. But I look forward to watching our kids grow to do the same, and soon, once the kids have grown some, we will be able to stay up late together again (although by then we will be in our 40's!)

I am thankful for a warm home, cars to get me daily where I need to go, food to eat whenever I get hungry (or just want to indulge), decent clothes and shoes to wear, a healthy mind and body to get me thru each day, and all the extras. I know I am blessed and I thank God.

I am thankful for many friends, old and new, who listen to my rants and celebrate my victories. Friends who've known me since my early years, friends who shared with me the glory days of college, friends I've met since Nate and I became "one", and even my blogging friends, who have become like old friends in many ways! Im very thankful for you all!

I thank God for this year, with all of it's ups and downs, it's highs and lows, it's thrills and spills. Two trips to home to see my parents, a vacation with Nate's family, the blessing of another pregnancy, 8 year wedding anniversary, birthdays, visits by our parents, a free car, and the birth of our second child! And I thank Him for what is to come, what 2006 will hold. It might be tough, it might be a breeze, but I am thankful God promises to be there with me, with us, thru it all.

Thank you to everyone who shared this year with us! Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

something funny

Today at church a friend rushed up behind me and asked "Are you having a girl?" "Yes!" I said. Then she grabbed a little something from her purse and stuck it on my shoulder. It was a cute pink baby sleeper she hadnt had time to wrap but wanted to be sure to get to me. I thanked her so much and tucked it into my purse, tags and all.

After church Luxie and I ran to the grocery store and it was really busy due to the Thanksgiving holiday, I assume. In the middle of one of the aisles Luxie asked for something out of my purse and I started to dig around in it looking for the item. Midway thru my digging what do you think I pulled out of there? Yes! The pink sleeper all wadded up with tags still attached! I paused for a minute and then realized I was shoving a tagged pink sleeper back into my purse amidst a crowd of shoppers....could I look more like a shoplifter? My mind began racing..."I am going to be followed around the store by some secret shopper, and when I get to the register they are going to handcuff me and throw my pregnant self into the squad car outside! Luxie will be taken into custody, Nate's out of town and probably not reachable, and I have no idea what the phone number is for the girl who gave me the sleeper to begin with!"

I continued on with my shopping trying not to look suspicious--even though I had no reason to feel suspicious! I had that "I'm not guilty" guilty feeling thruout the rest of the store! I got to the check out and had to carefully dig my wallet out of my purse without revealing the "pink sleeper I hadnt stolen but looked like I had." I was successful. As we made our way out of the store and towards the car I let out a sigh of relief. No swarm of Walmart officials. No squad cars. No handcuffs. Apparently the secret shoppers had missed me today. I made it to the care safely with my "not stolen" merchandise.

Stuff

Just some random stuff I thought I would comment on...

1. I am so glad the weather has turned cold here in Georgia! I dont like cold weather as much as nice weather, but it is a refreshing change from the 8 months of summer we had experienced this year! And it is just in time for the holidays, which should be cold in my opinion. Now I can get into the spirit of things! We are getting our tree next week (yes it is early, but we have just over three weeks til the baby comes and I have to get Christmas ready now because I wont be feeling up to it when Christmas arrives.) I have already found a few gifts for Luxie and that is a weight off of my shoulders that I am at least partially prepared!

2. As I mentioned above, we have just over three weeks before the new baby girl arrives, and I am so ready, but so not ready! I dont want to go thru it, oh man, I dont want to have the surgery, several months with no sleep, breastfeeding, worry, aaaaaa! But I am so ready to not be pregnant, to see this little girl and finally experience who she is. I find motherhood to be such a contradiction of feelings and emotions, and I am experiencing them all right now!

3. Luxie just went thru her third illness since early October, and I am exhausted. I am a queasy person anyway, and a bit of a germophobe, so sickness and I dont go well together. I am a bundle of nerves when she gets sick, because she has always struggled with being in the 5th percentile for weight. So whenever she gets sick she loses any extra (if you can call it that) that she has. She was so sick in October and lost several pounds, and just as she was beginning to look normal again she got this stomach virus and has been sick since Monday. She is having trouble keeping her 18month pants up (and she is over 2 and a half.) I have such a hard time getting pants to fit her because her height is good but her waist is tiny--so 18 month pants are highwaters on her but 2T pants are enormous. But such is life. What has also been frustrating is that she had to miss her friend's birthday party earlier this month, and now I have missed two women's events at our church because Nate was out of town and I couldnt put her in childcare. Rats!

4. I always like the end of the year because I see it as a closing, with the door of the new year opening. I get excited to see what God has in store for us next year. I look forward to change, surprise, challenge. I say that and I am certain my husband is laughing out loud as he reads it because I tend to freak out and cry when challenges do arise! But monotony wears on me, so I guess that's why I look forward to new possibilities. Will we move? Will the ProPain album finally come out? What will be the result of that? Will I really be able to take care of two kids? What will 2006 bring? We shall see...

Self Portrait Tuesday 11.15

MOM



(Lux and I December 03)


Mom. It seems strange to think that I am a mom, it all seems to have happened so quickly! Mom is a term I mentally associate with older women who do a great job keeping the home clean, cooking fabulous meals for the family, and generally staying on top of things so the rest of the family can go about their business with less stress and more happiness. Me as a mom just seems like a paradox of sorts. But here I am about to welcome another little one into this world!

And as much as I would like to go on about the tough times (and often do), the whines, neediness, and situations that bring a mom to her knees crying out to God for help :) (like yesterday, our first day of all day vomiting...) I know, deep in my heart, that I love it.

I love that God sent this little one into my life to prove to me just how strong, how brave, how responsible, I could be. Being a mom has forced me to give up all control over life's little situations, it has forced me to be selfless at times I wanted to be so selfish, it has taught me to love deeper than I ever thought humanly possible. And it has helped me to understand on a much deeper level how much God loves us, and what an amazing sacrifice it was that he sent his only son to die on the cross for my sins.

Recently on a date Nate and I were finishing up and were walking back to the house to reunite with Luxie. Nate said, "Back to reality!" And I said, "Yeah..." as if I were groaning. Then I said, "Ya know, I actually look forward to seeing her, I love her so much." And Nate replied, "I know! You like to think you dont ever want to return, but you really do. You like being a mom!"
And he's right. There might be elements of it that drive me batty, but at the core of it all it has become who I am. A large part of me is defined by the role of Mom, and as the years go by I believe I will embrace the title with more passion and desire to be the best Mom I can.

R.I.P. Fishy Fishy

Today marks the death of our first family pet. Fishy-Fishy, our red Beta fish, officially died during the night. He hasn't been doing well for about a week now, and as I sat sobbing over him three days ago I realized there was nothing I could do. (Count the sobbing up to pregnancy hormones and a feeling of responsibility for letting him down.) I just dont know what happened! He was fine for months, and even survived two different trips to Cousin Ava's house while we went out of town. Then about a week or two ago he started swimming funny and not eating much. In the end he wouldnt move all day except to come up and eat a bit. Then he wasnt moving at all, except once in a blue moon. And finally this morning it was apparent he had bit the dust, so to speak.

Luxie, thankfully, has no clue. She thinks he is resting. But I will have to get rid of the evidence this evening before things get stinky, and it breaks my heart a bit. I will miss Fishy Fishy. It was fun while it lasted. R.I.P. little buddy.

two by two

A little meme that hulaseventy tagged me for, and I will happily complete! I love these things!

two names you go by:
1. teegs (derived from "tiger" which then became "tigerlilly" that moved into "tigerlil" which morphed into "teegaleeg" and ended up as teegs. And there you have the last 13 years of my life with my husband!)

2. Kindergirl or Kendragirl (not quite sure how to spell it. this one was created by my dear sister in law Andrea who is soooo creative in every area of her life that she actual creates nicknames for the ones she loves! it just so happens she is my husband's sister, so you can see that nicknames are a big part of the family dynamics. Oh how I would love to share a few others ....)


two parts of your heritage:
1. something from the Russian/Romanian area
2. some German


two things that scare you:
1. flying (such a sacrifice of control to the elements and other human beings)
2. bugs. any shape, any size.


two of your everyday essentials:
1. make up (I dont wear much, but there aint no way Im leaving the house without it.)
2. water (does this count? I cant get thru the day without it. I love it!)


two things that you are wearing right now:
1. black yoga pants I wear as pajamas
2. a big blue classic NIKE long sleeve t


two of your favorite bands or musical artists (at the moment):
1. Mars ILL
2. Deepspace 5


two favorite songs (at the moment):
1. a remix my husband did of one of Mars Ill's best songs (cant post it yet because it is top secret...)
2. "Once Again" (not sure who it's by but we sing it at church)


two things you want in a relationship (other than real love):
1. deep understanding
2. faithfulness


two truths:
1. God promises to never leave us or forsake us.
2. My husband is my best friend in this world.



two physical traits in the opposite sex that appeal to you:
1. my husbands hands have attracted me from the beginning.
2. sincerity in the eyes--something he also has


two of your favorite hobbies:
1. blogging/surfing the internet
2. spending time outside--anytime of year


two things you want really badly:
1. an end to the exploitation/abuse of children
2. a dishwasher!!


two places you want to go on vacation:
1. some sort of spa where they massage me all day long
2. anywhere with my family


two things you want to do before you die:
1. grow old with my favorite man
2. watch my children grow up, watch them raise my grandchildren in happiness and health (thank you Andrea- can't put it any better than this)


two ways you are stereotypically a dude/chick:
1. I cry alot....a lot.
2. I can give birth?
(honorable mention....I am excited to go Christmas shopping!)


two things you are thinking about right now:
1. how many days it has been since I've showered...
2. bills

two stores you shop at:
1. Target
2. thrift stores

two people you would like to do this:
1. zabs! (if you are up to it)
2. wardomatic...i know you arent big on these things but I'd love to see your answers!

Self Portrait Tuesday 11.8

DISHWASHER




Here is another photo that defines me, a huge part of me, in our household. Dishwasher.

For the past 8 1/2 years I have lived without the modern technology of a dishwasher and it has become my role in our family. From the time we were married and moved into our first apartment outside Cincinnati, to our move to Indianapolis, and finally our move to Georgia, I have been the dishwasher.

I have to tell you, I hate it. I hate it with a passion. They never go away, there is always something to wash. I dont feel like they get as clean as they would with an actual dishwasher. And Im just getting tired of it. But...it is a task that Luxie has begun to join me on, which takes some of the monotony out of it and can make it a little more fun.

On the bright side, for centuries women have had to walk down to the stream, the local watering hole, or just plain stand there at the sink like I do several times a day, so I guess I am just partaking in a part of history. I could be hand washing our actual clothes, like many women have had to do in the past, so I really shouldnt complain much. And, I suppose there are worse things that could define me, right?

I have accepted this role, this piece of who I am, and have made peace with it. But man I hope I get a dishwasher for Christmas!

Fiasco

Do you ever have one of those days where everything is so off you just know from the very beginning it is going to be a fiasco? We had such a day this past Wednesday.

Nate took the day off of work to help me accomplish the major task of getting the baby room ready. This is a major task because it required taking apart a bed, putting up the crib, moving the changing table to the new room, and cleaning. And not only have we planned to use this extra room as the baby room, it is also our new office. So we had to purchase a desk and storage cupboard for the room, which meant a trip to one of our favorite-but-not-so-great-places-to-take-Luxie, IKEA.

We decided to get up at 8 and get there by 9 to get the day off and running. Unfortunately they didnt open until 10, so we arrived shortly after and began the not-so-kid-friendly (Im liking the dashes today) task of "looking". Luxie is so very antsy these days and hates to sit much at all in the cart so we are constantly negotiating with her for blocks of time to sit patiently. "You can get out if you stay with mommy and daddy. But if you run off you are getting right back in the cart, ok?" The "staying with mommy and daddy" lasts all of 2 minutes and then we are the parents we hoped never to be. "LUXIE! Get back here!" "You must stay HERE, not run off!" as she zooms into traffic interrupting the flow of carts and busy shoppers. Finally she is thrown back in the cart with a wail and gnashing of teeth and we are subjected to whines and the "skip in the record" routine, "Can I walk?" "Can I walk?" "Can I walk?"

Around 11:30 I began to be concerned because not only had she been shopping for an hour and a half, an unheard of request for a 2 1/2 year old, but lunch time was approaching and we had yet to get thru the pick up line. Nate got in line to pay and I decided to try a hot dog for her lunch, which was silly to begin with because right now her full diet revolves around carbs-bread, pasta, and chips/sweets. That's all she's willing to eat. But I thought she just might be hungry enough to go for it. No, once again mommy was a bit too optimistic. (By the way, I had offered her a plethera of snacks only to be shot down, so it's not as if I had come unprepared!)

At this point it's about 11:45 and Luxie has had it. She's done shopping, she's mid tantrum because she is bored and hungry, and Nate has just finished paying and is approaching the "pick up" line. I walk to him with my bawling pre-schooler and ask for the keys to go sit in the car. We waited for 20 minutes for Nate to join us. Finally he emerged from the store but empty handed! They still had not gotten to his order, so we drove around the side of the building to the actual loading area and he went in for another 10 minutes before finally exiting with our stuff. Only one problem...it appeared to be too big to fit in the van!

So at 12:30 Nate and his 8 months pregnant wife began the always entertaining process of trying to load huge pieces of furniture into/on top of/wherever it will fit in the van in the hot November sun while other loaders looked on in shock and dismay. And while Luxie sat strapped in her car seat (for over 30 minutes now) reminding us of how hot and how hungry she was. After working for at least 10 minutes on tying down the huge desk to the top of the van, Nate errupted into a fit of "this is RIDICULOUS! It isnt going to STAY! We cant do this! It's coming down! It's GOT TO COME DOWN!" We were both feeling the pressure and growing more and more frustrated as time wore on. He used his "Im more than irritated" pull down to get it back on the ground and began shoving it with all his might into the van while I, being the ever supportive wife, shouted from the sidelines "You cant do that! It's not going to fit!"

Luxie errupted into tears as the desk top was angled over her head and onto the seat next to her, "I cant see! I cant see!" Nate said "It's fine!" While I, having lost all sense of reason, yelled out, "I am not driving home with this propped up over her head!" and proceded to climb into the back end of the van, behind the back seat, close myself in, and grab hold of the desk top. (For the record, it was safe--Nate was in no way endangering Luxie and would never have even tried to drive had he thought there was any danger.) So there I was 8 months pregnant crammed into the back end of the van with Nate yelling, "Get out of there! Im not driving with you crammed into the back end! That's even more dangerous than having the desk in here! Get back up here! You are pregnant for Pete's sake!" I refused and so we took off, for about 3 blocks, with Luxie crying, me protesting from the back end, feeling more and more ridiculous for getting back there to begin with, and Nate reminding me just how ridiculous it really was. Finally he pulled over and said, "That's it. Im not driving until you get up here." And without protest I muttered, "Can you come let me out."

So we drove home in silence around 1:00, Luxie asleep without lunch, me watching on full mom alert for any dangers or troubles with the huge desk, and Nate getting us safely home.

Upon arrival we finally unloaded and got started on the main task at hand, building the pieces we had purchased. After the seriously eventful morning we had had, we actually managed to get the crib, changing table, storage piece, and desk put together and in some sense of order before dinner. We were completely exhausted, and I suppose that helped us to avoid further spats and quarrels as the day wore on. But in our books this one gets chalked up to one fiasco of a day!

I have no Quote of the Week...

Nothing, nada, nuttin. Sorry.

Self Portrait Tuesday 11.1

EIGHTH GRADE




This month for SPT we are challenged to explore different aspects of who we are by dressing up or putting on different "things" that demonstrate those different parts of us. I did not have time to accomplish this for today, so I thought the best way to quickly represent a large part of me was to post this photo of myself from 8th grade.

I guess you could say there is still a huge part of me that feels exactly like this...awkward, young, bad hair, and self conscious. You remember picture day, right? Somehow other kids always managed to be peering around the corner watching you get your picture taken. And you tried so hard to pick the best outfit, get your hair just right, and not blink!

I remember this particular picture day vividly because two things were impacting my look for the day. It was my first school photo with braces, and I had just gotten a haircut that I wasnt real crazy about. I had had my braces for a while, since 7th grade, but this photo would establish me as a "wearer of braces" for the rest of eternity because it would be posted in the yearbook. My haircut was a last minute decision at the salon. I had been growing my hair out all summer and it was down to my chin all the way around. The stylist talked me into getting a real cut because it was picture day, and cut it all back up over my ears again. I was supremely disappointed with the outcome.

Finally, this photo has always represented the insecure part of me, because a boy stopped writing to me after I sent him this photo. I had gone to basketball camp the summer after 8th grade, and like most girls I was thrilled to learn football camp was taking place at the same time. All the guys and girls were calling eachother in the different dorms, just dialing random numbers, never destined to meet because we didnt even know where the different dorms were. One boy named Kevin kept calling our room and we struck up a little flirtation for the short time we were there. Then we decided to write to eachother once we returned home. He sent the first letter with a picture, and for the record, he wasnt such a hot thing to look at himself! But he was OK and I thought he was nice, so I sent him a letter and included this photo, the only photo I had, even though my hair had long since grown out to below my chin and I was much less awkward. He never wrote back.

So there you go, a representation of the awkward, teenage, insecure me.