she aint what she used to be...

There's this old song that sometimes comes to mind and it starts out "the old gray mare she aint what she used to be..." and actually that's all I can remember. But it sure does remind me of myself these days.

To set the scene, I had a few moments to myself the other day so after browsing the local Barnes and Noble bookstore I wandered into the mall and decided to see what Old Navy had to offer. Not much appeals to me these days with my big belly, but I did find a stretchy little skirt that I decided to try on. Mistake #1. As I stripped down to my skivies what to my wondering eyes did appear but a huge white whale with dimples everywhere! Oh, the horror! How did I ever let my body get this way?

Granted, I am pregnant, and as my husband says, I oughta milk that statement for all its worth. But there are some things that there are no excuse for. Yeah yeah yeah, Im a stay at home mom and my daughter keeps me very busy. But never in my life did I think I would just give up on fitness so easily! I used to be ridiculous about my weight/body/cellulite. I mean, I was a bit obsessive. During the 90's my future in-laws were constantly amazed at my odd eating habits and ability to go for long walks in 30 degree weather. Now while I am not condoning that kind of behavior, I have somehow managed to, in the last 5 years, throw all caution to the wind and give up! I mean, I just stopped caring.

Somewhere along the way I realized that I could eat whatever I wanted as long as I maintained a healthy excercise routine. And this worked really well for the couple of years prior to having Luxie. But once she came I was overwhelmed with responsibility and couldnt figure out how to balance the situation. We also live in an area that doesnt allow for me to go for long walks alone with the baby the way I would like to. Needless to say, I should have made time! It has now been over three years since I have done any form of excercise aside from pushing a stroller at the mall. Who is this lazy woman? How did she come to possess this body? Why doesnt she care?

I'll tell you why I stopped caring. Because life has become about more than just me. On hulaseventy there was a little discussion going about the 20's and the 30's and the shift of focus that takes place as we grow older. I used to care so much about my appearance, what I ate, what I wore, etc because, frankly, who else was there to worry about? I wanted to be cool, look hip and pretty, be noticed in a way that just doesnt matter to me anymore. Granted, I sure wish I had more time to care about those things--I wont lie, I want more of that time. But there are bigger and better things to be concerned with nowadays. I still do my best to pull it together every morning, but the fact that cellulite is slowly working its way across my body like ivy up a wall just isnt my biggest challenge these days.

So as I stared at my freakishly white, half naked body in the mirror (the pregnancy body is really quite odd if you ask me)I sighed heavily to myself, grimaced, and thought to myself, "where do I go from here"? I put my clothes back on and walked back to the car in silence. I sat in the car for a moment before starting it up. "You know what I need?" I thought to myself. "An ice cream cone. Is there a McDonalds around here?" And that was that.

A few of my favorite things

There are some things that are like a little piece of heaven to me. Little things, nothing big, but they bring me such happiness. They take away the doldrum or regular life.

1. Macaroni and cheese. Really, I cant get enough of it. Since I was a child it has been a favorite food of mine, and there is nothing I enjoyed more than to make a box of macaroni and cheese, sit at the kitchen table, and read Nancy Drew on a hot summer day. My absolute favorite kind of macaroni and cheese, "Mission" brand, is no longer made, and I cant tell you how often I think back to those days when Mission macaroni flowed freely from our kitchen cabinets. Thinking back on that bright yellow box could almost bring a tear to my eye. Gone forever. I really havent found anything that compares. I like Kraft, although the moment you make it you have to eat it because it changes very quickly into a dry, sticky mess. There is a special consistency of milk mixed with cheese sauce that I just love, and I strive for that perfect blend every time. It is an art, really, yet so often I see people settling for whatever comes out in the mix. Not me. I love the stuff.

2. Getting a magazine in the mail. Oh how exciting! A big bulk of mostly useless information bound together for my reading pleasure! It's almost like a gift. All for me? Why thank you! When my InStyle magazine arrives each month I skim thru and notice the articles I really look forward to reading. Then during Luxie's nap I take my time turning page after page not missing a thing. Same thing with Relevant. I really enjoy that magazine, and specially mark each page that holds something interesting to me. I read those articles first, then go back and read thru page after page. It relaxes me to the point of almost falling asleep, and in fact sometimes I do. But not out of boredom, out of comfort.

3. Watching Luxie play outside. I cannot tell you what an amazing experience it has been watching my daughter play for hours outside in beautiful weather. I guess I hadnt really thought about it until we got here but back in Atlanta it just isnt the same. Even in the fall and spring the consistency of the air is different that what we are experiencing here. Im really regretting that we have to leave because it has become such a wonderful experience for me. Not one day of rain in the 10 days we have been here, not one mosquito, no humidity, it has been amazing. I realize the weather here isnt always so grand, but these gorgeous summer days will be sorely missed back home.

4. Getting my hair cut. I love to sit in that chair, have someone mess around with my hair for about an hour, and then leave feeling so good about my appearance. It is so worth the $50 and the meaningless conversation that takes place to come away from an experience so relaxed and feeling good. It's like a boost of self esteem, reminding me that I am more than a mom and I do deserve a little something just for me.

5. A professional massage. Sweetheart, your massages are great, but there is nothing quite like a professional massage done by someone you know will do a great job. If they made two hour massages I could afford, I'd be there. It is easily my most requested holiday gift. Although I only get one or two a year (too pricey for us) it is one of the things I look forward to the most. The girl I use is so great she even starts out saying "Dont worry about making conversation or talking, fall asleep if you want to, this is all about you relaxing and taking care of you." Yes! A nice, quiet massage therapist? Nothing better.

still here:)

I decided to change this post just to quit writing about family stuff. So instead I am replacing it with a funny thing Luxie has started doing--she is ending her requests with "said Mommy" or "said Nana." It is so cute. Today she wanted me to hold her and said, "Hold me, hold me, said mommy" referring to me instead of her as the person asking. She did the same thing later this evening saying "you read a book said nana?" Again, she was the one wanting nana to read her a book, but put nana as the one saying it. Not sure where she got this except from books!

A Life Less Ordinary

Still here in the land of farms and dust, visiting family and tomorrow, hopefully, old friends. Just to fill you in on how things are going, there was a MASSIVE blowout a few nights ago that almost resulted in me changing our tickets and heading home on the red eye to brighter and better days back home. But after weighing the options, and letting things die down a bit, I decided to stick around and see what happens. In the end, I think I made the right decision. Things have gone well since, and honestly, what happened has needed to happen for years. Nothing is solved and nothing is done, but boy it felt good to get a few things off my chest!

I find it interesting that there are very few people you meet in life who have perfect relationships with their families. You meet those rare folks who all get along and love each other so much, but thrown in the mix is usually at least one situation, person, behavior, or what have you that causes trouble and throws everything off kilter (sp?) when they get together. Everyone has either a divorce, death, tragedy, or combination of those things that has effected their life or the lives of those around them in some big way, and as odd as you think your situation is, you can always find someone who's situation is even more astonishing. So in some small way I take all of this in with the knowledge that, in fact, my life is pretty ordinary.

It's funny, I guess, that relationships are so vital to our existence, yet so difficult to maintain. There are so many words that are misunderstood, or just not said. So many times we should do one thing but we do another and end up hurting someone we love. So many times we dont consider the other person and selfishly choose to do as we please. And then we hurt so badly when the relationship sours and we have to work so hard to repair it. It's fascinating to me, actually. And I know I am as much to blame as those I like to blame for my sorrows. Ah, well, here I am being vague again.

My life will go on, and Monday I will return home and fall back into my same old routine. All of this will be glossed over in my mind and soon I will be wishing to return for another visit. Well, maybe not soon...:)

Coming home

Well, here I am, signing onto a microsoft computer (ugh) to fill you all in on where Ive been. I have made the journey across country with Luxie to my old stomping grounds, Eastern Washington. The trip actually went well, aside from Luxie waking at 3:45 this morning ready for action (yes, that is 3:45 am...and while that makes it 6:45 am Eastern time, nobody should be getting up in the black of night to start their day. It just isnt...civilized!)

What can I say? This journey is always bittersweet for me because life in Walla Walla Wa was all I knew the first 16-18 years of my life, but those years were filled with such joy and such pain that I am seriously caught off guard with memories and emotions each time I visit. I want so badly to share about the life I knew back here, but to some degree that would mean talking about things that, well, would probably hurt some of my family who read this blog, so I am slowly wrapping my brain about how to handle it. But suffice is to say, that some of my favorite memories--especially of summer, friends, growing from a girl to a woman, boys, love, life, and freedom are rekindled when I smell the dusty dry air that lives here. And some of my least favorite memories--of hurt, pain, betrayal, abandon, loss, and anger are more often than not brought right to the surface and I am forced to relive moments I thought I'd long forgotten.

It's strange, really, because although almost 15 years have passed since I moved away, started a new life, met an amazing man who for some reason decided to give me his love the rest of my life, I cant help feeling like that same teenager that grew up in this farming town with those same feelings and emotions running fast thru my veins. Except now I have this overwhelming sense of either peace or maturity, that reminds me I am not who I was--at least to a large degree. And although those moments shaped me and molded me into who I am today, I am not fully defined by them. The last 15 years have only gotten better, praise God, and I refuse to go back there, even if everything around me reminds me of the past.

Sweet Luxie. She is my escape. As tough as it has been traveling with her and dealing with the drama that only a two year old can toss your way, she is my constant yet subtle reminder that I can move on...I have to. I dont have my favorite man here with me to bring me back to reality and remind me of who I truly am, so she does, in her sweet ways.

Well, with all of that vagueness Im not sure anyone will have a clue what I am experiencing here. I guess you could say I am haunted by things of the past that have not yet been dealt with and may not ever be, but I am learning to be OK with that. I still love this town, regardless.

The "Meme" thing

I keep seeing these "meme" things everywhere and people writing about being "tagged" and until last week I had no idea how the whole thing worked. It seems people post these fascinating facts about themselves for the world to read and then pass them along to blog friends by "tagging" them to fill out the questions themselves. How exciting! So in the course of one afternoon I not only learned that I had previously been tagged and didnt know, but then I also stumbled upon a completely different tag from my friend Joy! So here goes:


5 names I can’t use for my kids, but I love:)

Bruno
Ella
Vivi
Chaz
Van


5 Movies You’ve Seen Recently:

Mr and Mrs Smith
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
Wedding Crashers
Friday Night Lights


5 Nice Things That Happened To You Lately : (In the last week)

Nate took Luxie to the bookstore so I could relax
My mom bought me dinner
Nate watched Luxie so I could see Star Wars
My father-in-law babysat so we could go on a date
My daughter smothered me with kisses

5 magazines I subscribe to:

Relevant
In Style
Baby Talk
(we also get Elemental but it isnt really mine)

Idiosyncrasies

Andrea over at hulaseventy has a post up about em, so I decided to take a stab at it. Here goes:

idiosyncracy : structural or behavioral characteristic peculiar to an individual or group. write down 5 of your idiosyncracies


1. I have trouble shutting things. I leave cupboard doors, drawers, bathroom cabinets, closet doors, etc open. I really dont have any idea why I dont close them all the way, but it is one of those things that my husband cannot figure out for the life of him. If I do get the door closed, there is quite possibly some sort of item hanging out like half a t-shirt, the plastic from the bread bag, something. I think it is a mix between laziness, and a feeling of never fully accomplishing it anyway so why try.

2. When someone makes a comment about someone else (making fun or being mean) and the person being spoken about is anywhere in the vacinity I get extremely awkward about it. For instance, if we are in the car and my husband comments on the car next to ours looking ridiculous, or if he starts commenting on the music they are listening too, I literally want to crawl out of my skin and lay on the floorboards of the car. I have such a fear the person will hear him! I know it is virtually impossible for them to hear a whispered conversation in our car, but it still makes me incredibly nervous. My husband says this is because i have "bionic hearing" and I assume the rest of the world does too. My "bionic hearing" has made me quite the freak around the house, forcing others to listen to the tv at levels only a dog could hear because the baby is sleeping, using a fan and a towel across the bottom of my bedroom door when we have guests because I wake up at the slightest sound. I have even, and this is tough to admit, forced my husband to open a bag of chips in the other room because my daughter's bedroom is next to the kitchen and she was sleeping. Look out Jaime Sommers.

3. There are certain parts of my daily routine that are done exactly the same every day because of my own perfectionistic behavior. Each morning I get out of bed on the same side, go straight to the bathroom, take out my retainer (yes, I still wear it: ) rinse it off, put it away, wash my face, turn down the fan, leave my room, get my daughter, open her shades, walk into the kitchen. Maybe not a great example, but the point is the routine never changes...I wouldnt be surprised if the same number of steps were taken every time! Bedtime is the worst. I literally walk to the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth the exact same way every time, take my medicine, get one more drink of water, climb into bed facing the same direction. It is quite bizarre if you ask me. And I cant ever, EVER go to bed without washing my face or brushing my teeth.

4. I make piles. Rather than clean up the mess entirely I make piles to conquer at another time. I make piles on my dresser drawers of bill remnants, magazines, and useless pieces of information I cant get rid of. Piles of clothes on my bedroom furniture, piles of stuff to take back to the bedroom that I leave in the front room, piles of anything. These piles are all separated materials needing to be sent back to their dwelling place, but I havent gotten the urge to finish the process yet. Again this baffles my husband because of my orderly, systematic, detail oriented way of doing just about everything else, but I really believe it is due to a feeling of (like I said above) never feeling quite like I can get it all the way I want it so I just give up and dont do it at all. There was this woman on Oprah once who was diagnosed with perfectionistic tendencies, yet when they visited her house she had tons of animals doing their business all over the place and no order to the chaos within. The psychologist said this is a common problem with people who place such a high level of perfection on themselves--they cave and just dont even try to accomplish it because they will fail again and it is easier to feel guilty about not doing it than to fail at making it perfect. Im nowhere near that woman, but I can understand the logic in her madness.


5. I have become a germ-o-phob. I am ghastly afraid of sickness germs. Part of this stems from having a baby and the crazy things you read about needing to keep your newborn away from. Part of this is due to being pregnant and feeling queasy all the time anyway, and part of it is my personality. I just hate being sick, and unfortunately, I hate being around others who are sick. When my husband gets sick, as much as I would love to be the caring wife who caters to his needs and nurtures him through it, I am more realistically the wife who seals off that part of the house and communicates with him via morse code taps on the walls. When my daughter was ill this past week it was all I could do to eat my own meals and behave normally...not so much because I was worried about her (which I was) but because it made me queasy too. I carry the antibacterial gel in my purse everywhere we go and she gets a squirt every couple of hours just because. Im also forever asking my husband if he's washed his hands (not such a crazy thing to ask a guy who digs around at thrift stores for records) and have noticed Im washing mine more frequently as of late. Everything just seems so dirty sometimes!

And there you have it, probably not my top 5 idiosyncracies, but 5 I could come up with off the top of my head. I would love to hear about some of yours! Post them if you feel up to it!

has it been that long?

gosh, i just sit down to write a new blog and realize it has been over a week! wow! well, here's a few things that have been going on around here:

* it looks like my big underwear are paying off--we're having another girl! found out yesterday that all is well at 20 weeks and we are having another little girl. no names really decided upon yet, still thinking about it. but it is a relief to know that things checked out well and should continue to do so. thanks for your prayers!

* Luxie fought off her first big fever Sunday, and is still in recovery mode. she is back to playing and giggling and having fun, but still having trouble eating anything substantial (what's new, she's been a picky eater since birth.)

* I have found impatience (the flowers) popping up all over my backyard and cant figure out if this is due to my husband's mowing over them ever so often and scattering them, or just wind blowing some part of the flower across the yard.

* there are some interesting developments on the Mars ILL front, but nothing I can actually talk about right now. Hopefully in the next few months everything will become crystal clear and the questions will all be answered. I can say that life is still a crazy, mixed up, lovely mess, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it except continue thru the muck. have I mentioned before that I have stress dreams when I sleep that usually pertain to some sort of natural disaster? Yes, the first blog I ever wrote was about the tornados of my life (the blog I deleted because a friend responded to it in a way that frightened me from posting for a few days.) Well anyway, when life is hectic and I am stressed I dream about tornados or huge amounts of water, etc. Two nights ago a tsunami hit and I was struggling to save my daughter. Oh, and somehow the house caught fire too. I suppose that means Im still stressed about things.

* Nate and I had our first date out in over two months last weekend. It was so great! We took Black Butter (aka Nate's new Caddy) played our favorite tracks off his iPod, saw a movie, and talked. It was bliss.

* Kaysar rules! Down with Maggie!

have a fun day!